Dane will be back in Monday and he will most likely murder all of us at that time.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Dane's Vacation: Day 6
All right, I realize TPing someone is pretty juvenile. I know, all right? But it was Friday, we were tired, it was the last day Dane was going to be out, there's all this toilet paper in the bathroom just sitting there for crying out loud and we were starting to run out of ideas. I'm sorry, all right? Shame on me.
Dane will be back in Monday and he will most likely murder all of us at that time.
Dane will be back in Monday and he will most likely murder all of us at that time.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Dane's Vacation: Day 5
We were on the home stretch now. On Thursday we lovingly decorated Dane's desk with 210 miniature portraits of his personal hero (according to us, anyway): David Hasselhoff.
Ironically, David Hasselhoff first came up in conversation because CNN had run a story about his wife accusing him of domestic violence that morning. Wait ... "ironic" isn't the word I'm looking for here. What's that other word ... oh, right: "stupid." I always get those two confused.
Go to Day 6
Dane's Vacation: Day 4
On Day Four we went nuclear. There was no turning back now.
It all started when I walked into the print room and someone complained about how full the paper shredder was.
"Oh really ..." I mused aloud.
Originally I just thought we'd fill Dane's drawers and close them, leaving it as a hidden surprise. But as we came to realize the sheer volume of shreddings we were working with, we ... well, we lost it. We weren't human beings any more. We were like animals. I'm not proud of the things I've done.
Mario gloats over his handiwork:
Go to Day 5
It all started when I walked into the print room and someone complained about how full the paper shredder was.
"Oh really ..." I mused aloud.
Originally I just thought we'd fill Dane's drawers and close them, leaving it as a hidden surprise. But as we came to realize the sheer volume of shreddings we were working with, we ... well, we lost it. We weren't human beings any more. We were like animals. I'm not proud of the things I've done.
Mario gloats over his handiwork:
Go to Day 5
Dane's Vacation: Day 3
I hate colored Post-It notes. Even if I have to keep a note around, I don't want it glaring at me all day like a neon Vegas sign.
Apparently I'm not alone in this sentiment, because I found plenty of people willing to get rid of their colored stickies ... once I told them what we were going to do with them.
Ahh, the noble brown bear; proud symbol of California.
Go to Day 4
Apparently I'm not alone in this sentiment, because I found plenty of people willing to get rid of their colored stickies ... once I told them what we were going to do with them.
Ahh, the noble brown bear; proud symbol of California.
Go to Day 4
Dane's Vacation: Day 2
After the weekend, we'd had some time to think about what we'd done. And we came to the conclusion that it wasn't enough.
So we replaced his framed artwork with pieces of our own choosing and arranged all the loose office materials we could find on his desk
Go to Day 3
So we replaced his framed artwork with pieces of our own choosing and arranged all the loose office materials we could find on his desk
Go to Day 3
Dane's Vacation: Day 1
It all started innocently enough ...
On Thursday Dane left for vacation; Maui for a week with his wife. On Friday Mario got a package at the office, and after unpacking it we were left with a pile of bubble wrap. What could be done with all this bubble wrap? It seemed a shame to let it go to waste.
Go to Day 2
On Thursday Dane left for vacation; Maui for a week with his wife. On Friday Mario got a package at the office, and after unpacking it we were left with a pile of bubble wrap. What could be done with all this bubble wrap? It seemed a shame to let it go to waste.
Go to Day 2
Thursday, December 22, 2005
A Holiday Sentiment
As you are relaxing and reminiscing with friends and family over the holidays and getting hammered in the spirit of the season - possibly with a Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale - why not pause to reflect on those who have passed on who had an impact in shaping our lives and our world.
Specifically, Rick James.
Specifically, Rick James.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Black Shabbos
The all-Jewish Black Sabbath tribute band.
Covering such classics as:
Iron Mensch
Meshuggah Train
War Tref
and
Electric Bar Mitzvah
Album available in stores now:
Covering such classics as:
Iron Mensch
Meshuggah Train
War Tref
and
Electric Bar Mitzvah
Album available in stores now:
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The Moon Hoax
Jason does not believe in the moon landing. I have to be honest; this seemed a little shocking to me at first. People who claim we have never been to the moon have always seemed - to me, at least - one short, delusional step away from people who think that the Earth is flat and that Nixon was framed.
However, Jason claims to have seen a documentary on Fox that persuaded him that the whole thing was a hoax. As strange as this standpoint may seem to some people, I for one can appreciate it. I personally disbelieve everything I see on Fox, so it's not too far of a stretch for me to imagine that there are people out there who conversely believe everything they see on Fox.
And, I have to admit, after doing some research on the Web I have turned up some thought-provoking photos that have brought me to doubt the government's claim that Man has traveled to the Moon.
Consider the following pieces of official NASA photography and the suspicious features that can be found therein:
Subject #1: Evidence of Life
On the supposedly lifeless surface of the moon, signs of life can be found if you look hard enough.
Subject #2: Non-NASA Personnel
On a voyage that was purportedly only made by three highly-trained NASA astronauts, brief glimpses of other individuals can be seen. This supports theories that the whole thing was staged on a Hollywood sound stage.
Subject #3: Non-NASA Equipment
On an intra-orbital mission where all the equipment had to be flown millions of miles, there is evidence of certain pieces of equipment that could not possibly have been transported aboard the Apollo spacecraft.
Subject #4: Physically Impossible Perspective
Scenes of the moon landing are some of the most closely scrutinized pieces of photography in the history of mankind. Experts in the field have found inconsistencies in some of the shots released by NASA. In the following frame, a keen observer can calculate that the size of the Earth is incongruous with what it actually would be from a vantage point on the moon.
I hope these photos have opened your eyes just a little, as they have mine, and taught you to more closely examine claims that the establishment expects you to accept as fact.
However, Jason claims to have seen a documentary on Fox that persuaded him that the whole thing was a hoax. As strange as this standpoint may seem to some people, I for one can appreciate it. I personally disbelieve everything I see on Fox, so it's not too far of a stretch for me to imagine that there are people out there who conversely believe everything they see on Fox.
And, I have to admit, after doing some research on the Web I have turned up some thought-provoking photos that have brought me to doubt the government's claim that Man has traveled to the Moon.
Consider the following pieces of official NASA photography and the suspicious features that can be found therein:
Subject #1: Evidence of Life
On the supposedly lifeless surface of the moon, signs of life can be found if you look hard enough.
Subject #2: Non-NASA Personnel
On a voyage that was purportedly only made by three highly-trained NASA astronauts, brief glimpses of other individuals can be seen. This supports theories that the whole thing was staged on a Hollywood sound stage.
Subject #3: Non-NASA Equipment
On an intra-orbital mission where all the equipment had to be flown millions of miles, there is evidence of certain pieces of equipment that could not possibly have been transported aboard the Apollo spacecraft.
Subject #4: Physically Impossible Perspective
Scenes of the moon landing are some of the most closely scrutinized pieces of photography in the history of mankind. Experts in the field have found inconsistencies in some of the shots released by NASA. In the following frame, a keen observer can calculate that the size of the Earth is incongruous with what it actually would be from a vantage point on the moon.
I hope these photos have opened your eyes just a little, as they have mine, and taught you to more closely examine claims that the establishment expects you to accept as fact.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Proper Application of the Horns
Lately I have noted, with great alarm, the indiscriminate frequency with which people throw the horns in public. Traditionally the horns were only appropriate at heavy metal and - to a lesser extent - punk concerts. Today you can see people flashing the horns at hip hop shows, pansy rock bands and (shudder) country music.
In an effort to bring some dignity back to this greatly misunderstood gesture, here follows a guide to the usage of the horns in everyday situations.
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
In an effort to bring some dignity back to this greatly misunderstood gesture, here follows a guide to the usage of the horns in everyday situations.
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Appropriate:
Inappropriate:
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Great Conversation Starter
In order to complete this project you will need:
1) A Dirty Car
You do not necessarily need to own the car in question, you just need to have physical access to it. In fact, many of you may ultimately prefer to use a car that you do not own.
2) A Finger
This should probably belong to you.
Write the following on a surface of the dirty car:
The car pictured above belongs to my friend Jon. After I took the liberty of decorating it we encountered a delightful variety of reactions:
A bunch of kids walked by with their parents. The kids read the words out loud as they passed by and said "I don't get it." Their parents, on the other hand, almost fell over laughing.
We walked out of a grocery store to find two large bikers dressed all in studded leather and their old lady (also dressed in studded leather) laughing over the car.
Biker (pointing and laughing): "That's frickin' hilarious, man."
Jon (scrambling for his keys): "Umm. Yes. Thank you."
The next day at work Jon even found a response written underneath:
"She is with me."
Sadly, the car received a long overdue washing before this brilliant rejoinder could be immortalized on film.
1) A Dirty Car
You do not necessarily need to own the car in question, you just need to have physical access to it. In fact, many of you may ultimately prefer to use a car that you do not own.
2) A Finger
This should probably belong to you.
Write the following on a surface of the dirty car:
The car pictured above belongs to my friend Jon. After I took the liberty of decorating it we encountered a delightful variety of reactions:
A bunch of kids walked by with their parents. The kids read the words out loud as they passed by and said "I don't get it." Their parents, on the other hand, almost fell over laughing.
We walked out of a grocery store to find two large bikers dressed all in studded leather and their old lady (also dressed in studded leather) laughing over the car.
Biker (pointing and laughing): "That's frickin' hilarious, man."
Jon (scrambling for his keys): "Umm. Yes. Thank you."
The next day at work Jon even found a response written underneath:
"She is with me."
Sadly, the car received a long overdue washing before this brilliant rejoinder could be immortalized on film.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The Loss of a Legend
The Fifth Column is deeply saddened to have to report the passing of a great freedom fighter and champion of progress: Mario's beloved Chinese fighting fish, Bebe Boi (also known as "The Red One").
Bebe was only a year old but his career - improbably - spanned decades. Like many Chinese fighting fish he was drawn to idealistic causes early in life, fighting alongside the French resistance in Nazi-occupied Europe:
Even so, he was never one to hold a grudge. Many years later he played a pivotal role in the fall of the Berlin wall and the reunification of East and West Germany:
His proudest accomplishment, however, was his return to his ancestral China where he participated in the democratic protests of Tiananmen Square:
Bebe was quietly honored today in a private ceremony, as per his instructions:
Bebe was only a year old but his career - improbably - spanned decades. Like many Chinese fighting fish he was drawn to idealistic causes early in life, fighting alongside the French resistance in Nazi-occupied Europe:
Even so, he was never one to hold a grudge. Many years later he played a pivotal role in the fall of the Berlin wall and the reunification of East and West Germany:
His proudest accomplishment, however, was his return to his ancestral China where he participated in the democratic protests of Tiananmen Square:
Bebe was quietly honored today in a private ceremony, as per his instructions:
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The Truth About Alcohol
I came across this pamphlet at ampm last night. It has some very important things to say that I think everyone should hear.
Like many of mankind’s greatest inventions, alcohol was discovered accidentally. In the case of alcohol, it was stumbled upon by two lab workers too awkward to express their true feelings for one another.
Today, alcohol is still primarily used to facilitate the hooking-up process. However, when used irresponsibly for this purpose, alcohol may result in children or - in extreme cases - even marriage.
There Are Three Distinct Stages of Intoxication
1) Chatty
- You become smarter
- You become funnier
2) Touchy
- You lose your inhibitions
- Articles of clothing mysteriously vanish
3) Catatonic
- You pass the hell out
- Coma or death may occur
The Risks
In fact, as strange as it may sound, there are actually risks involved with alcohol use, including:
Making Poor Life Decisions
For example, dreadlocks on a white guy.
Saying Things You Don’t Really Mean
Encountering Laser Ghost Cars from the Future
Alcohol Abuse Inevitably Leads to Hangovers
This is no cause for concern, however. Simply remain in bed until the hangover symptoms subside.
Millions of Adults are Actually Nondrinkers
These people are either:
1) Lonely
or
2) Losers
We hope that these facts have increased your understanding of our old friend alcohol. If you enjoyed this pamphlet, please look into our other educational materials, including:
Aspirin: The Silent Killer
brought to you by The Ministry of Counter Propaganda
Like many of mankind’s greatest inventions, alcohol was discovered accidentally. In the case of alcohol, it was stumbled upon by two lab workers too awkward to express their true feelings for one another.
Today, alcohol is still primarily used to facilitate the hooking-up process. However, when used irresponsibly for this purpose, alcohol may result in children or - in extreme cases - even marriage.
There Are Three Distinct Stages of Intoxication
1) Chatty
- You become smarter
- You become funnier
2) Touchy
- You lose your inhibitions
- Articles of clothing mysteriously vanish
3) Catatonic
- You pass the hell out
- Coma or death may occur
The Risks
In fact, as strange as it may sound, there are actually risks involved with alcohol use, including:
Making Poor Life Decisions
For example, dreadlocks on a white guy.
Saying Things You Don’t Really Mean
Encountering Laser Ghost Cars from the Future
Alcohol Abuse Inevitably Leads to Hangovers
This is no cause for concern, however. Simply remain in bed until the hangover symptoms subside.
Millions of Adults are Actually Nondrinkers
These people are either:
1) Lonely
or
2) Losers
We hope that these facts have increased your understanding of our old friend alcohol. If you enjoyed this pamphlet, please look into our other educational materials, including:
Aspirin: The Silent Killer
brought to you by The Ministry of Counter Propaganda
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