Like many of mankind’s greatest inventions, alcohol was discovered accidentally. In the case of alcohol, it was stumbled upon by two lab workers too awkward to express their true feelings for one another.
Today, alcohol is still primarily used to facilitate the hooking-up process. However, when used irresponsibly for this purpose, alcohol may result in children or - in extreme cases - even marriage.
There Are Three Distinct Stages of Intoxication
1) Chatty
- You become smarter
- You become funnier
2) Touchy
- You lose your inhibitions
- Articles of clothing mysteriously vanish
3) Catatonic
- You pass the hell out
- Coma or death may occur
The Risks
In fact, as strange as it may sound, there are actually risks involved with alcohol use, including:
Making Poor Life Decisions
For example, dreadlocks on a white guy.
Saying Things You Don’t Really Mean
Encountering Laser Ghost Cars from the Future
Alcohol Abuse Inevitably Leads to Hangovers
This is no cause for concern, however. Simply remain in bed until the hangover symptoms subside.
Millions of Adults are Actually Nondrinkers
These people are either:
1) Lonely
or
2) Losers
We hope that these facts have increased your understanding of our old friend alcohol. If you enjoyed this pamphlet, please look into our other educational materials, including:
Aspirin: The Silent Killer
brought to you by The Ministry of Counter Propaganda
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