Thursday, May 11, 2006

Got bums? Get Bum Off™!

Let's face it, one of the most serious issues facing affluent retail property owners today is unsavory homeless people loitering around, driving down property values. That and those pesky minorities who are always trying to get a job.

But not anymore! Rich White Guy Corp. is proud to introduce Bum Off™, the world's first aerosel transient removal system. Simply spray the product on the offending vagrant and POOF! - no more ugly eye sores.

Just look at these extraordinary before and after photos:

Before Bum Off™:

Bum On

After Bum Off™:

Bum Off

Notice how no money buckets (aka "consumers") have been harmed during the application of Bum Off™ - in fact, they haven't even noticed that anything untoward has happened!

If you own property, you can't afford to have your lovely neon and pastel exteriors blighted by unsightly lower-no-income citizens. Don't delay ... get Bum Off™ today!

Bum Off™ has not been approved for use outside a combat zone by the FDA. In fact, when we applied for testing they asked us "You made a spray that does what?!" For the love of God, do not use Bum Off™ near anybody important. It may cause blindness, impotency and death, all at the same time. Rich White Guy Corp. is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Bush Administration.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Dane's Vacation: Day 6

All right, I realize TPing someone is pretty juvenile. I know, all right? But it was Friday, we were tired, it was the last day Dane was going to be out, there's all this toilet paper in the bathroom just sitting there for crying out loud and we were starting to run out of ideas. I'm sorry, all right? Shame on me.

Dane will be back in Monday and he will most likely murder all of us at that time.

Day 6

Do you have TP for my bunghole?


Saturday, March 11, 2006

Dane's Vacation: Day 5

Day 5

We were on the home stretch now. On Thursday we lovingly decorated Dane's desk with 210 miniature portraits of his personal hero (according to us, anyway): David Hasselhoff.


Ironically, David Hasselhoff first came up in conversation because CNN had run a story about his wife accusing him of domestic violence that morning. Wait ... "ironic" isn't the word I'm looking for here. What's that other word ... oh, right: "stupid." I always get those two confused.



Go to Day 6

Dane's Vacation: Day 4

On Day Four we went nuclear. There was no turning back now.

It all started when I walked into the print room and someone complained about how full the paper shredder was.

"Oh really ..." I mused aloud.

Originally I just thought we'd fill Dane's drawers and close them, leaving it as a hidden surprise. But as we came to realize the sheer volume of shreddings we were working with, we ... well, we lost it. We weren't human beings any more. We were like animals. I'm not proud of the things I've done.

Day 4



Mario gloats over his handiwork:


Go to Day 5

Dane's Vacation: Day 3

I hate colored Post-It notes. Even if I have to keep a note around, I don't want it glaring at me all day like a neon Vegas sign.

Apparently I'm not alone in this sentiment, because I found plenty of people willing to get rid of their colored stickies ... once I told them what we were going to do with them.

Day 3


Ahh, the noble brown bear; proud symbol of California.


Go to Day 4

Dane's Vacation: Day 2

After the weekend, we'd had some time to think about what we'd done. And we came to the conclusion that it wasn't enough.

So we replaced his framed artwork with pieces of our own choosing and arranged all the loose office materials we could find on his desk

Day 2


Go to Day 3

Dane's Vacation: Day 1

It all started innocently enough ...

On Thursday Dane left for vacation; Maui for a week with his wife. On Friday Mario got a package at the office, and after unpacking it we were left with a pile of bubble wrap. What could be done with all this bubble wrap? It seemed a shame to let it go to waste.


Bubble wrap

Go to Day 2