Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Truth About Alcohol

I came across this pamphlet at ampm last night. It has some very important things to say that I think everyone should hear.

Title

Like many of mankind’s greatest inventions, alcohol was discovered accidentally. In the case of alcohol, it was stumbled upon by two lab workers too awkward to express their true feelings for one another.

Lab

Today, alcohol is still primarily used to facilitate the hooking-up process. However, when used irresponsibly for this purpose, alcohol may result in children or - in extreme cases - even marriage.

Kids
Church

There Are Three Distinct Stages of Intoxication

Chatty

1) Chatty
- You become smarter
- You become funnier

Touchy

2) Touchy
- You lose your inhibitions
- Articles of clothing mysteriously vanish

Catatonic

3) Catatonic
- You pass the hell out
- Coma or death may occur

The Risks

In fact, as strange as it may sound, there are actually risks involved with alcohol use, including:

Making Poor Life Decisions

For example, dreadlocks on a white guy.

Dreadlocks

Saying Things You Don’t Really Mean

Shopping

Encountering Laser Ghost Cars from the Future

Lasers

Alcohol Abuse Inevitably Leads to Hangovers

Vanilla

This is no cause for concern, however. Simply remain in bed until the hangover symptoms subside.

Bed

Millions of Adults are Actually Nondrinkers

These people are either:

Lonely

1) Lonely

or

Losers

2) Losers

We hope that these facts have increased your understanding of our old friend alcohol. If you enjoyed this pamphlet, please look into our other educational materials, including:

Aspirin: The Silent Killer

Aspirin

brought to you by The Ministry of Counter Propaganda

89 comments:

MinCat said...

hehehehehe...goos one!

Sir Lance said...

Loved it :P

Sara said...

Excellent. I laughed out loud.

13TonGimp said...

Nice...now if only they sold booze before noon around here!!!!

Sven Golly said...

Very informative. I'm forwarding a link to all my troubled friends to show my concern.

Judy said...

Brilliant. I work for a health department and I have an entire cabinet of literature crying out for your editorial comment!

Alex said...

Lovely.

FYI: I'm not a drinker (i tried to love alcohol but couldn't just), I got a bunch of friends, I can be funny (sometimes) and I can take my clothes off without the help of Houdini

Jaxe said...

First timer here! Brilliant and CHEEEEEEERS! *hiccup*

j

Palimpsesto said...

Thank you for bringin us that important piece of information. I mean, if we don't realize how alcohol can help us being something else, then we should revise our priorities and deeply rethink our lives!!!

(Very nice, I loved it)

Franklin said...

Beautiful, just Beautiful!

Greg said...

Hmmm. I always suspected there was something up with the drinks.

Sigmund Clyde said...

Great fun! Maybe someone will make a musical out of it like they did Reefer Madness.

Lady Strathconn said...

oooh...funny.

Cherryaa said...

Funneeee!
Thanks :)

Gluebert said...

Perhaps this could partly explain what seems to be the rash of celebrities getting pregent and married or married and pregent.

Very funny.

TheGospelAccordingTo said...

This. Is. The. Greatest. Site.Ever.

Hahaa. They never taught me THAT in health class. Thank you for that informative post. I feel enlightened.

min said...

Awesome! Loved it! Great blog.

amanda said...

that was HILArious. I NEEDED A LAUGH...oh, and i'm drunk.
LOL

Donny said...

I'm not feelin' it, guys. But perhaps that's because I've only had two rum and cokes so far tonight. A few more might help.

jomama said...

With talk like that, next thing you know Amurikun's will have Prohibition again.

Dr. Pork said...

One of those things where you hit yourself in the head and say, "I am ashamed I didn't think of it myself."

She was shaken and stirred said...

Wow, so now I finally know the truth!

Kasi said...

hey this was funny! i loved the whole fish thing. i knew when i saw the first pic that there was sumthin fish-y about this sight!!

Galen Brannagh said...

With material like this, who needs AA? You've got Betty Ford beat, and I oughta know... (did I say that?)

The Jastrom said...

Hilarious stuff.

Storm Trooper said...

I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That whole piece was insensitive and cruel. I demand an apology!

Rob Fitzgerald said...

This just supports the theory I've been using all through college, many thanks for providing solid information to rub in the face of those substance-free dorm "losers".

Pat said...

I enjoy this thoroughly.

Butterfly said...

I laughed, I cried,,,, It moved me.

an american said...

Good picture story.

Draco-7 said...

Excellent!!! It was very infomative! (ive had the laser ghost cars of DOOM thing happen to me and i thing more people should know about them!)

Tommie Lee said...

Bravo.

Kels Red said...

If only this information would have been made avalible to me sooner.... Now I'll never get that 'N'Sync Forever' tattoo off...

Princess Sparkle Pony said...

Fantastic. A most excellent blog!

Skiingred said...

Too Much! Those Laser cars will get you every time!

Horsey said...

Hahaha. That cracked me up.

- Horsey

http://horsecrack.blogspot.com/

Chris Reeves said...

One of the funniest things I've read in a long damn time. Keep up the good work.

http://unfunnybone.blogspot.com

Cláudia said...

LooooooL! Great! Fortunately I drink! LoL. This blog is fantastic, keep on the good work.

Zija said...

Zija = drink life in

Jake T. Beverage said...

Lessons in life everyone needs to know.

Loveiswhatitsallabout said...

I'll drink to that

siren said...

this is hilarious
good to know there are side effects from alcohol..i thought i was just crazy! hehe

Timotheus said...

one of the most hillarious things I ever did read....and i am sober....

ohh...condoleeeeze :-D

Nytro said...

I think the state of Utah would have them arrested for distributing this kind of informative brochure. It's a shame, really. More people need to know!

BSC said...

It's amazing that the first picture shows Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 reading a pamphlet about alcohol with Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 on the cover.

Jay V. said...

booze = your friend

Pepehontas said...

You just keep it coming! I laugh out loud every time I find a new Fifth Element posting. You've obviously got a gift...keep working it--own it you dirty school girl!

Anne said...

Love, love, love your blog. Makes me laugh every time...

Chris said...

This one is perfect for me!
Loed it! Check me out, he he
http://intoicebeer.blogspot.com/

Perdita said...

I know these works of art take some time but...Please... I could use a laugh right now.

The Dating Doctor said...

Funny, but true!

Jake said...

You left out something! When you found the pamphlet you were actually behind the ampm lighting up a crack pipe. Your an IDIOT!

Anonymous said...

awesome. do you mind posting the actual pamphlet? I'm extremely curious as to what the chick people are up to these days.

allison said...

OMG!!! That's hilarious

Anonymous said...

I am gonna pee myself! Too funny!

Bree said...

Brilliant! Absolutely Brilliant.

There are a lot of people that need to read this...

R2K said...

Thats funny as hell man!

:)

Media Outsider said...

Laser ghost cars! That's comedy gold.

Bohemian Like You said...

I thought for a minute there it was going to address how much better I can dance after a couple drinks...whew! I thought I might have had a problem there for a sec.

captain_howdy_girl said...

very, very funny.

comingofage said...

Hahahaha! Too funny :) Thanks been browsing around blogspot for a while looking for an interesting read and you served it up!

NMSTW said...

I've seen these type of pamphlets before, thats really funny. I never really took any humor out of them, they seemed more of a serious type of thing. But now I see the light! lol

Benjamin G. said...

YOu are officially the hero of the week.

thunderstixx said...

Take it from someone that knows. Alcohol can be a great travel agent.

R2K said...

This is the number one blog in the whole google set!

:) Only slight problem is your template is all messed up. Trust me, you would be better off with minima or something.

Dots always gets screwed up.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the third category of people who don't use it.

Religious fanatics, who rather than being 'losers' are now running the show, and intent on running your life (or ruining it, perhaps).

mg said...

I think I dated the guy that drank the vanilla extract....

Alex said...

You dare mock the raw power of laser ghost cars from the future? Laser ghost cars from the future are more deadly than you know.

For one, they have lasers. Have you ever been struck by a laser before, sir? I had a friend who had his retina grazed by a lazer pointer, and he had to wear an eyepatch for days!

Also, laser ghost cars from the future are very tough to dispose of. I mean, they're ghosts, for chrissakes! Can you kill a ghost without the assistance of Dan Akroyd and Bill Murray, Mr. Bigshot? Didn't think so!

And finally, these laser ghost cars from the future are from the future (for they would not be very aptly named if they were not), and are thus our superiors in the fields of weaponry, strategy, and technology, to name a few. Really, their ability to travel through time should be your first indication of their eminent superiority. Just run, man. Just run!

This warning is for all of you: do not treat the laser ghost cars from the future lightly. They are a force with which one must reckon! Up against them, one could hardly put a fight! And I'm running out of idioms that end in prepositions to basely mock, so consider yourselves warned!

Dave The Hat said...

Another laugh out loud moment! Oh the wonders of alcohol. They got to you, didn't they man?!

PopeBenedictXVI said...

Sorry, got the link wrong on the last post. I just wanted to let you know that Confusionism, the official religion of the London 2012 Olympics, allows its members to drink as much beer, turpentine, or aftershave as they need to.

http://www.cyber-pope.blogspot.com

Myst29 said...

Hahaha, very funny.

Get some alcohol. It's your friend.

Call Emily said...

That is sooo funny. Did you make that yourself? I love it.

john lennon is a fucktard said...

john lennon was probably the result of a drunken romp in the sack.
alcohol screwed the world over again...bastard.

Sloane said...

That was good! U should post more of those things!

Horsey said...

Hello This is Jesus. I'm known for my generous love and forgiveness. However I hate the guy that posted a comment right above me. It is my fondest hope that you kill him with Fire!

- Jesus (Care of Jehovah, 6 Lincoln Avenue, Heaven)

Mad Zionist said...

Absolutely hilarious. A true LOL. All my friends will be sent this link.

Yes, I drink, so I DO have friends.

-MZ

Jen said...

Well, I'd buy you a drink in celebration of this post, but since you don't drink...

None said...

That was hilarious. Thanks for posting that.

xHecatex said...

LoL..... that is soo truth.... hehe

we cant live without alcohol.

dutch said...

If only I learned the truth earlier.........

Raoul Gaston said...

amazing. no really.... quite amazing. especially that bit about the booze. have i told you about my investigating feet? or the un-secret society i might not belong to?

pedemente said...

Dreadlocks in a white guy?
What's the problem with that???
That its a little racist.

Anonymous said...

jo voi de geile gschicht :D

Anonymous said...

gay, dreadlocks on white guys rule!

Anonymous said...

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==============
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http://www.alcoholtreatmentclinics.com

ini Tree said...

dreads on a white guy....pfff? who wrote this ****? a black guy? or a yellow guy...hmmm maybe a purple one?
open your eyes!

Linda said...

Dreadlocks only look bad on white guys when the dreads are short(and i'm a girl without dreads so don't go saying it's because i am that person).

ras deckstah said...

i am white and i have dreadlocks...and i don`t drink..:|..what`s the point??that was just something very very VERY stupid for you to say:D....is there any law that mentions that white guys must not have locs?

Anonymous said...

This idea has become outdated