- Schedule a fake phone interview with a coworker. Make them an offer on the spot for a ridiculous amount. Wait until they hand in their resignation to let them in on the joke.
- Put Vivarin in the decaf.
- Sneak into your boss's office. Using your best impersonation of his voice, change his voice mail message to "What a coincidence, I was just reading over your performance evaluation. Clean out your desk, you're fired."
- Lure a flock of pigeons into the elevator with bird seed. Take the stairs.
- Cover the top of the inside of the microwave with a layer of shortening, thin enough that it will cling without dripping until the microwave is turned on and it melts.
- The next time you have to go to a relative's funeral, call a coworker who doesn't like you and ask them to cover for you because you are playing hooky today. When your supervisor confronts you about it, produce the program from the funeral and break down sobbing.
- Put a pair of gold fish in the water cooler. Call PETA.
- Start an office football pool. Have all the participants make out their checks to a coworker who does not gamble and can be trusted as an impartial custodian of the money. Give copies of these checks to the police as evidence of illegal gambling activities.
- Find out where your coworkers take their smoke breaks. Install a smoke alarm; an extra-loud one, if possible.
- Steal all the Earth-friendly, energy-efficient CFC bulbs from your office and replace them the old-fashioned, electricity-sucking kind. Install the CFC bulbs in your home. Or just toss them.
- For your next coworker's birthday, offer to buy the card. Pick one with a clean white interior, have your manager sign it first and scan the signature. Write demerits "signed" by your manager to your coworkers every time they bother you.
- Call in dead.
- Every time you see a free publication, subscribe one of your coworkers at your work address. Make a point to hang around the mail room and complain about how much personal mail your coworker receives.
- Make a note of all your coworkers who have nice cars. Go to a junkyard and collect as many corresponding hood ornaments as you can. Walk around the office with these hood ornaments sheepishly asking people "Did you used to have a Porsche?"
- Schedule a D.A.R.E. officer to come to your next department meeting.
- Report one of your coworkers to the FBI, INS, FDA, or any other government agency you can get on the phone. When the federal agents arrive to investigate, kidnap them and hide them away some place safe. When the agents are reported missing the feds will assume your coworker did it.
- Replace the deodorizer in the bathroom with an air horn.
- Sit down with a group of coworkers for lunch, preferably with members of both sexes. Look around at each of them in surprise and say "That's funny; I've slept with almost everyone at this table." Then calmly eat your lunch.
Monday, October 20, 2008
For those of you with broken common sense filters, that means: "Do not actually do any of these things."