Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Truth About Alcohol

I came across this pamphlet at ampm last night. It has some very important things to say that I think everyone should hear.

Title

Like many of mankind’s greatest inventions, alcohol was discovered accidentally. In the case of alcohol, it was stumbled upon by two lab workers too awkward to express their true feelings for one another.

Lab

Today, alcohol is still primarily used to facilitate the hooking-up process. However, when used irresponsibly for this purpose, alcohol may result in children or - in extreme cases - even marriage.

Kids
Church

There Are Three Distinct Stages of Intoxication

Chatty

1) Chatty
- You become smarter
- You become funnier

Touchy

2) Touchy
- You lose your inhibitions
- Articles of clothing mysteriously vanish

Catatonic

3) Catatonic
- You pass the hell out
- Coma or death may occur

The Risks

In fact, as strange as it may sound, there are actually risks involved with alcohol use, including:

Making Poor Life Decisions

For example, dreadlocks on a white guy.

Dreadlocks

Saying Things You Don’t Really Mean

Shopping

Encountering Laser Ghost Cars from the Future

Lasers

Alcohol Abuse Inevitably Leads to Hangovers

Vanilla

This is no cause for concern, however. Simply remain in bed until the hangover symptoms subside.

Bed

Millions of Adults are Actually Nondrinkers

These people are either:

Lonely

1) Lonely

or

Losers

2) Losers

We hope that these facts have increased your understanding of our old friend alcohol. If you enjoyed this pamphlet, please look into our other educational materials, including:

Aspirin: The Silent Killer

Aspirin

brought to you by The Ministry of Counter Propaganda

58 comments:

MinCat said...

hehehehehe...goos one!

Unknown said...

Loved it :P

Sara said...

Excellent. I laughed out loud.

Sven Golly said...

Very informative. I'm forwarding a link to all my troubled friends to show my concern.

Jaxe said...

First timer here! Brilliant and CHEEEEEEERS! *hiccup*

j

Unknown said...

Thank you for bringin us that important piece of information. I mean, if we don't realize how alcohol can help us being something else, then we should revise our priorities and deeply rethink our lives!!!

(Very nice, I loved it)

Franklin Wade said...

Beautiful, just Beautiful!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I always suspected there was something up with the drinks.

Lady Strathconn said...

oooh...funny.

Cherryaa said...

Funneeee!
Thanks :)

min said...

Awesome! Loved it! Great blog.

Donny said...

I'm not feelin' it, guys. But perhaps that's because I've only had two rum and cokes so far tonight. A few more might help.

jomama said...

With talk like that, next thing you know Amurikun's will have Prohibition again.

Galen Brannagh said...

With material like this, who needs AA? You've got Betty Ford beat, and I oughta know... (did I say that?)

The Jastrom said...

Hilarious stuff.

Rob Fitz said...

This just supports the theory I've been using all through college, many thanks for providing solid information to rub in the face of those substance-free dorm "losers".

nakajima said...

I enjoy this thoroughly.

Draco-7 said...

Excellent!!! It was very infomative! (ive had the laser ghost cars of DOOM thing happen to me and i thing more people should know about them!)

Tommie Closson said...

Bravo.

Peteykins said...

Fantastic. A most excellent blog!

Skiingred said...

Too Much! Those Laser cars will get you every time!

Horsey said...

Hahaha. That cracked me up.

- Horsey

http://horsecrack.blogspot.com/

Chris Reeves said...

One of the funniest things I've read in a long damn time. Keep up the good work.

http://unfunnybone.blogspot.com

Cláudia said...

LooooooL! Great! Fortunately I drink! LoL. This blog is fantastic, keep on the good work.

siren said...

this is hilarious
good to know there are side effects from alcohol..i thought i was just crazy! hehe

Unknown said...

I think the state of Utah would have them arrested for distributing this kind of informative brochure. It's a shame, really. More people need to know!

bscarter said...

It's amazing that the first picture shows Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 reading a pamphlet about alcohol with Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 on the cover.

Miss A said...

Love, love, love your blog. Makes me laugh every time...

Perdita said...

I know these works of art take some time but...Please... I could use a laugh right now.

Anonymous said...

You left out something! When you found the pamphlet you were actually behind the ampm lighting up a crack pipe. Your an IDIOT!

Anonymous said...

awesome. do you mind posting the actual pamphlet? I'm extremely curious as to what the chick people are up to these days.

Anonymous said...

I am gonna pee myself! Too funny!

Bree said...

Brilliant! Absolutely Brilliant.

There are a lot of people that need to read this...

High Power Rocketry said...

Thats funny as hell man!

:)

Anonymous said...

Laser ghost cars! That's comedy gold.

BohemianLikeYOU said...

I thought for a minute there it was going to address how much better I can dance after a couple drinks...whew! I thought I might have had a problem there for a sec.

Benjamin G. said...

YOu are officially the hero of the week.

Anonymous said...

Take it from someone that knows. Alcohol can be a great travel agent.

High Power Rocketry said...

This is the number one blog in the whole google set!

:) Only slight problem is your template is all messed up. Trust me, you would be better off with minima or something.

Dots always gets screwed up.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the third category of people who don't use it.

Religious fanatics, who rather than being 'losers' are now running the show, and intent on running your life (or ruining it, perhaps).

paula said...

I think I dated the guy that drank the vanilla extract....

Alex said...

You dare mock the raw power of laser ghost cars from the future? Laser ghost cars from the future are more deadly than you know.

For one, they have lasers. Have you ever been struck by a laser before, sir? I had a friend who had his retina grazed by a lazer pointer, and he had to wear an eyepatch for days!

Also, laser ghost cars from the future are very tough to dispose of. I mean, they're ghosts, for chrissakes! Can you kill a ghost without the assistance of Dan Akroyd and Bill Murray, Mr. Bigshot? Didn't think so!

And finally, these laser ghost cars from the future are from the future (for they would not be very aptly named if they were not), and are thus our superiors in the fields of weaponry, strategy, and technology, to name a few. Really, their ability to travel through time should be your first indication of their eminent superiority. Just run, man. Just run!

This warning is for all of you: do not treat the laser ghost cars from the future lightly. They are a force with which one must reckon! Up against them, one could hardly put a fight! And I'm running out of idioms that end in prepositions to basely mock, so consider yourselves warned!

Dave The Hat said...

Another laugh out loud moment! Oh the wonders of alcohol. They got to you, didn't they man?!

Gamesmaster said...

Sorry, got the link wrong on the last post. I just wanted to let you know that Confusionism, the official religion of the London 2012 Olympics, allows its members to drink as much beer, turpentine, or aftershave as they need to.

http://www.cyber-pope.blogspot.com

Horsey said...

Hello This is Jesus. I'm known for my generous love and forgiveness. However I hate the guy that posted a comment right above me. It is my fondest hope that you kill him with Fire!

- Jesus (Care of Jehovah, 6 Lincoln Avenue, Heaven)

Mad Zionist said...

Absolutely hilarious. A true LOL. All my friends will be sent this link.

Yes, I drink, so I DO have friends.

-MZ

Jen @ SecondCitySoiree said...

Well, I'd buy you a drink in celebration of this post, but since you don't drink...

Hecate said...

LoL..... that is soo truth.... hehe

we cant live without alcohol.

dutch said...

If only I learned the truth earlier.........

Anonymous said...

amazing. no really.... quite amazing. especially that bit about the booze. have i told you about my investigating feet? or the un-secret society i might not belong to?

Anonymous said...

Dreadlocks in a white guy?
What's the problem with that???
That its a little racist.

Anonymous said...

jo voi de geile gschicht :D

Anonymous said...

gay, dreadlocks on white guys rule!

Anonymous said...

Alcohol addiction can be a dangerous preoccupation leading to severe mental problems. alcohol consumption varies a great deal from one person to another.the treatment for alcoholism is varied depending on the condition of the user. the most challenging part of the treatment for alcoholism is bringing the user back to a normal and sane state of mind.
==============
danica

http://www.alcoholtreatmentclinics.com

Anonymous said...

dreads on a white guy....pfff? who wrote this ****? a black guy? or a yellow guy...hmmm maybe a purple one?
open your eyes!

Anonymous said...

Dreadlocks only look bad on white guys when the dreads are short(and i'm a girl without dreads so don't go saying it's because i am that person).

ras deckstah said...

i am white and i have dreadlocks...and i don`t drink..:|..what`s the point??that was just something very very VERY stupid for you to say:D....is there any law that mentions that white guys must not have locs?

Anonymous said...

This idea has become outdated